Memo from the department of failed relationships
There aren't many things in my life that I'm able to control at least not at the moment. I do however work around them. I'm not the yes man but I'll get the job done because I have to. What I don't need is for this to filter into my personal life too. People shouldn't work around relationships, they should work together.
I had a sudden epiphany tonight/last night for shoutpost readers. A local play partner of mine contacted me via e mail, he wanted to know how I was doing, get up to date in each others lives. I reciprocated in like fashion. Inevitably it ended up with him wanting what he wanted and me knowing I couldn't nor didn't want to give in to him and his needs. I told him exactly how I felt about that In fact I gloried in it. I was amazing really.
"Do you have any fucking idea what it's like to give in to everybody every single day? I take it up the ass with the lawyers, my soon to be X, my job(s)-royally, the guy I shouldn't be seeing because it just isn't working out, the mounting bills, endless amounts of daily bull shit and now you want me to come to you and just give in? What's in it for me? I serve you and then I get a cuddle and you listen to me and then I go home right back to square one. No the FUCK thank-you." I was in tears which led to sobbing. I exited the phone conversation soon after. I'm not sure but I think I left him either stunned or in awe.
I lost complete control; it actually felt great since I didn't think I had any to begin with. It's been on reserve I guess.
A couple of weeks ago I told the guy I was seeing I wasn't going to take it anymore, but I am or at least I have been. I essentially broke up with him but he says he wants to remain in a committed relationship but from where I'm sitting he isn't willing to put forth any effort. And yet I'm relegated to lady in waiting status, fuck that. I'm supposed to be patient and he can lack consideration. Fuck that AGAIN.
Okay so I'm really not going to take it this time.
Some of you might have noted that I've undone some of my profile/for shoutpost readers note profile change is meant at a different site than here. That's because it's now under construction, it doesn't accurately reflect who I am presently.
I am submissive, but right now I need to be strong, much more so than I need to submit. I can only rely on my self, I can't set my self for any more disappointments; I'm far too fragile under the surface. Say what you mean, mean what you say or just shut the fuck up. It's really quite simple.
Damn but I hate time wasters. If you want to truly be in a relationship it isn't that hard to send a text or a phone call or an e mail or make the time to see someone who you feel is worthy of your attentions.
~d~
