Relationship gone South
I hate it when I start recognizing an unsavory pattern.
I hate it more when I work at resolving said pattern and I discover it's engrained.
It becomes even more hateful to me when I try and move past what I term a speed bump. The fact that I do makes it seem I'm okay with the pattern when in fact I'm not. It's really a pothole after all.
I ended my relationship last night. I was polite and left things open. I'd like to at least remain friends. I'm not quite sure how seriously he will take it since I did it via voice mail. There might be a discussion after all. A slight chance but it is doubtful anything will happen and even more doubtful that I'll see any effort let alone changes being made. I think the more experience we gain, the older we get; the less apt we are at adapting.
This past week I asked him if he was sure he wanted to be committed to me. I thought I articulated quite well what was disturbing me and how I felt about "us". We agreed to discuss things Sunday morning. However it was understood he was coming over last night even though I didn't want him coming here late.
The catalyst for better clarity purposes: we were supposed to do something last night, I was okay with doing my own thing, I wanted to be able to count on a given and not a maybe. Naturally he didn't follow through while I waited for him to come to a decision. It didn't happen, I could have done something else the window closed and I then became someone I hate. That crazed woman who calls incessantly because she is so overwrought. Well pissed off would be better put.
And I think to my self. If I were a guy I'd be so over this bitch. She'd be on iggy in a minute.
Why would a man tell a woman he wants long term, he wants to be where he is but doesn't act like he does? I've become a convenience what's worse is I've become an accomplice.
There aren't any tears, just a lot of frustration in that something fit so well physically but not mentally.
Why would a man say he's coming over to discuss something and not? An hour later-he should have been here by now, called him and find his phone is off. Why not simply say "I'm over our relationship-it's best we end things or this will need to wait till tomorrow" and then turn it off.
Damn but I liked him, but I know me, I can't tolerate bullshit.
~d~
