Do what I say not what I do
Written: 2006-04-17
Please be aware of the dates. Some of which I've written is past tense although we are still dealing with some of these issues. I'm adding these entries simply for you the reader to gain a better insight into me, a woman going through a divorce that will hopefully be finalized before 2007 is over.
My eldest is afraid to speak to her father about issues she feels might hurt his feelings. "I was afraid you'd be mad if I said > insert reason < and so I'm writing you this letter."
Does her father yell at her, beat her or belittle her in anyway? No he doesn't this she agrees.
Are you truly afraid of your father? Her answer is "no, but I don't like how our conversations end up."
Her fear is an abstract feeling with no words in which to articulate well enough for him to understand such an equally obscure concept, his daughter has feelings but can't or won't describe them to him. It stands to reason if you have feelings then you have words to express them but this just isn't so. Sometimes you just feel, but more importantly when you do feel and you can verbally state them they are yours to feel, no other, which doesn't make them right or wrong, they just are.
She has a fear but she doesn't fear him. There is a difference and now understands unfortunately her father feels she is afraid of him. We have some undoing to work on. Instead of saying "I'm afraid" in this instance you could say instead "I'm afraid of hurting your feelings but... Or I don't like where our conversations end up." He won't understand what you mean by this last statement but you can promise him the next time you will let him know when the conversation is taking a bad turn. Perhaps with trial and error the two of you can figure it out and work on what you know and respect the areas you don't.
Her father expects her to come to him, deal with him directly and not through me her mother, he is tired of getting second hand information and yet when she responds to him in letter format he replies likewise instead of taking the time to speak with her privately. Do as I say not what I do come to mind. He will always get things second handed if he continues passing notes back and forth. How will they ever learn to effectively communicate?
His mother came down Easter weekend for his birthday and decided to bring up a divorce related topic. My eldest asked her to stop; she did not want to discuss this with her because it was making her uncomfortable as it was also having an equally unsettling effect upon her younger sister. Her grandmother did not stop and went on, my eldest corrected her again, there was no stopping her and so she excused herself from the table. Thankfully her father was there and she was able to see his disbelief and visible upset. He couldn't believe what his mother had done. She went to her room where she made a phone call to me wanting to be picked up. I had her go to her father, explain her upset and ask if she could have a break and be picked up by me. She and I had a long discussion as we walked through the park in German Village.
When I returned I later spoke to my youngest who felt left in the lurch and couldn't understand why her sister was able to speak up to their grandmother and not her father. I would have taken her too but she does not like to be placed in situations where she must choose one person over the other. Since she was playing a board game with her grandmother and father I felt it best to leave her where she was under the circumstances. We talked about why she followed her sister to her room and why she didn't go in when she was invited.
Her mother and father who should she choose, neither, but sometimes one can help where the other is unable and so how does she distinguish between the two where it isn't a matter of choice over one or the other but a momentary need met by the one who is able to fulfill it the best way possible? Her sister makes her feel safe, but it confuses her because what she did was something she expected her father to stop/keep from happening and not her sister.
What do you tell your child? I did the best I could and offered her this:
I am a parent, you are a child, I am your parent you are my child and like you I have a parent I am their child and again like you I'm afraid of hurting them as much as you fear hurting me and one day too you will be a parent to your own child and hopefully have a better understanding so you could be a better parent than I am to you. No matter where you are in life or how old you are these feelings we feel as strongly as we do, do not go away simply because you become an adult and this is the best and only reason I can share with you today about why your father did not stop your grandmother from speaking.
He was afraid of hurting her feelings he like you is a child too.
~d~
